The Dead Zone

Blame it on the phone

Cell phone excuses are another thing I didn’t have to deal with in past dating lives.  Bad reception or a dead battery just seem to be yet another crutch for poor male communication skills.  Didn’t answer that text or that call?  Blame it on technology. A convenient, plausible, virtually airtight excuse.

Take for example last night.  FB checking up on where I might be, via text, after his football game.  He’s on his way out for a drink with friends.  I am sitting at home watching Celebrity Rehab (god I love Jeff Conway) and cleaning, because apparently meeting the friends at the bar is more important than seeing me, and I haven’t been invited along.  So I admit to him that I’m at home doing nothing, because I want to be honest, and over a series of five or six texts offer him (for the second time, I might add) the opportunity to stop for late night booty call on his way home from the bar.  Then……nothing.

His final text was an obnoxious “what do you mean?”  He does this “what?” stuff a lot even when it’s clear he damn well knows what I mean.  But whatever.  So the night progresses and I’m getting angrier and angrier and sending passive aggressive texts I probably never should have sent (i.e., “Hope you had FUN tonight”).  Last one sent at 3am when I wake up, check the BB, and realize he still hasn’t responded. 

So after a crap night sleep, I still wake up at 8:30 angry and slightly worried that something may have happened.  Send another text (this time, simply “are you alive?”) and an email with a similar message.  Finally get back into bed for a much needed nap, and when I wake up he has answered my text with “sorry battery died.”  Twelve hours after last communication.

Now if the situation were REVERSED and my battery died, I would have plugged my phone in right when I got back home, realizing that I was in the middle of a conversation when it “died” and that the person I had been talking to just MAY be wondering what the hell happened to me. Maybe it’s a gender thing.  Or maybe I should just take a hint.

Old Dog…New Tricks

Toss your salad?

I wasn’t expecting much.  He was sick, and it was a brief Sunday afternoon visit just to say hi and hang for a bit.  I came armed a bunch of cold remedies, Kleenex, soup, and other comfort measures as a care package, and we snuggled into the couch in front of football.  And I would’ve been content with that. 

But as our short two-month history has demonstrated, neither one of us can keep our hands off the other for very long.  So after a valiant but ignored “I don’t want to get you sick” from him, we were soon engaged on the couch.  Which quickly progressed to the bedroom. Which is where I think I fell in love….at least with the sex.

Now I consider myself fairly experienced in the bedroom.  During my thirteen year marriage we certainly experimented enough to keep it interesting, and prior to that I had my share of testing new boundaries.  I’m no porn star, but there’s not much that’s new to me at this point.  Yet I was not prepared for what awaited me Sunday afternoon.  Because if you are willing to not only give me prolonged and outstanding oral sex, but top it off with an unrequested, unbelievably fantastic, completely new-to-me salad toss, you have truly won my heart.  All that and sick too.  Who wouldn’t love the guy?

Some ‘Splainin

So some further explanation of the resolution to the ‘active within five days’ debacle is probably in order.  In case you’re wondering how I got from wanting to wring his neck to blissville.

I emailed FB the next morning, after deleting the pissed off email I had composed to draft the evening before.  I’ve learned from experience it’s always better to save to draft, sans email addy, and give it a night’s sleep.  I’m sure many relationships, friendships, and jobs have been lost through email sent in the heat of the moment. 

The a.m. email was very calm and well-reasoned, and simply asked for a straight explanation.  The response was confusion, and then suddenly became defensive and more about why I was searching for him on Match to begin with.

L. talked me down before I turned around and let him have it with both barrels:

L:    Oh no.    If only I had a dollar for every time this has come up.
Me: ???
L:   The “When is it time to take down my profile?” issue.
Me: Shouldn’t there be a Match.com FAQ somewhere with this type of guidance for the terminally clueless and hopelessly stupid, then?  I took mine down long ago, therefore he should take his down.
L:    Remember, you are a smart, savvy woman who knows what’s appropriate and how to manage things like this. [BTW, this is L's nice way of saying I'm a bit of a nerd who spends too much time online.]
Me: And he…..isn’t?
L:    In a word – no.

So I cut him some slack, and that evening, after much online fumbling about, he figured out how to deactivate his profile.  And then he explained that occasionally they send him matches and once in a while it will be someone he knows so he clicks through just to see.  Since he hadn’t paid for it in months, he had no idea his profile was still up.  And since I have no reason not to trust him, I believe it.  It also helps that the guy still uses AOL dial-up, which shows me that he probably does indeed have limited grasp on the concept of ‘opt out.’

And he’s cute.

Catharsis

Connecting

Spent a perfect night with FB.  Sweet attitude.  Actual open discussion.  Fantastic sex.  Multiple orgasms.  Appropriate snuggling time.  Topped off by intelligent discussion around debates, we which watched together.  Suddenly blissful about entire relationship again. 

On related but bizarre-to-some note….I was able to see him last night because ex agreed to spend extended evening with kids to give me time to do so.  It may just be post-divorce guilt motivating him, but it was pretty nice of him to make the effort.

Active Within 5 Days

Mother f’r.  On a whim, I went searching on Match for FB’s profile.  I knew he had one previously because when we first met, the gals at the office wanted to see his picture and we unearthed it there.   The first few searches tonight pulled up nothing, which made me happy because I figured he had disabled it, as I did with my Match profile when things between us started getting more involved.

Then I remembered the tricky way he had named it….backwards.  So I did a final search with a few keywords and a different town, and there it was….staring me in the face.  With “Active Within 5 Days” across the top.

Now it could mean he just visited his profile or email at Match out of curiousity, which I suppose I could understand.  But which begs the question of why he still has it visible on the site.  And on the flip side, he could be actively trolling for other women to “add that little oomph” to his life (his stated dating objective).

I realize it’s fairly hypocritical for me to get too pissed off.  After all, I did go on a date with someone just ten days ago that I met through Match (however, it was someone I had been corresponding with for months, pre-FB ::rationalizing::).  That was admittedly not completely above the board for me to do, although I never would have let things get physical or pursued it seriously without full disclosure to everyone involved. But the thing is that I never would have considered it if I hadn’t felt like I somehow need to cover my ass (and my heart), because FB refuses to offer any clarity on how he really feels about our relationship.  He’s a tough nut to crack.

So do I say nothing, keep watching the page, and call him on it if and when he visits again?  Do I say something now and possibly come off as a possessive stalker-type who has a Google Alert on his name?  Or do I simply tell him I’m sorry I’m apparently not adding enough “oomph” to his life and then cut off contact and see if he has any reaction whatsoever?

Therapy Date

I acquiesced to going out to dinner with a new guy tonight.  I felt somewhat guilty because of my ongoing dating relationship with FB, and my genuine interest in that working out for the best.  But I also felt that I shouldn’t let this new opportunity pass me by given his ongoing lukewarm attitude towards me. 

So G. is a separated, but not yet divorced, guy who emailed me after seeing my profile on Match.com.  He is the only guy I have ever corresponded with online who did not have a profile photo, simply because I found him so funny in his emails.  Because he isn’t yet divorced, and is therefore still dealing with all the messiness of lawyers, property division, custody, and a rough ex relationship, I was very hesitant to even meet him at this time.  But he kept asking…not demanding but gently pushing and cajoling, and at some point wore me down with his charm.  And I did eventually get a picture with the assurance that he did not have two heads or weigh 300 lbs.  Hence the date.

In retrospect, maybe I should have trusted my instincts on this one.  He is a very sweet guy, and given that it’s his first post-divorce date, he gets a handicap for that.   But MY GOD did he go on and on and on and on about every f’d up thing his ex has done over the past year (highlights include sleeping with the plumber and sociopathic lying).  The only redeeming feature of that discussion was that he said, in the end, that the reason he was sharing all the war stories was because he wanted me to realize that it was truly over with her (since he knew how reticent I was to meet him pre-divorce in the first place).  However, every time he turned the conversation around to ‘letting me talk,’ it somehow got back into divorce turmoil discussion. Which made my head hurt.

On the plus side, the man actually talks (although not sure how much he’ll let ME talk), he cooks (former chef – woo hoo! says this completely non-domestic woman),  and he has a fascinating backstory (he’s done defense work for the government, owned restaurants, coached baseball, and is now in software development).  On the down side, he’s slightly shorter than me (who isn’t?), and he may be way too in touch with his feminine side; he mentioned not being afraid to cry just one too many times for my comfort zone.  And that could prove to be a drag if things progress to the bedroom.  But I’m ahead of myself.

Despite the therapeutic nature of the evening’s conversation, I will probably consider a second date.  Because I know how hard it is to deal with the nerves and the ‘what the hell is appropriate?’ internal monologue the first time out.  We shall see.

Let’s Take it to the Previous Level

Ah what a difference six weeks (give or take) makes.

Endearingly awkward man has revealed himself to be emotionally unavailable man. But let’s just call him FB for now, which is what my co-workers know him as when we endlessly analyze his latest moves in the dating game. 

We’ve been seeing each other for over a month now, and have spent most weekends together. He shows up on time, is in touch daily, and is attentive and by all outward appearances interested in me.

So what’s the problem? 

Sex?  No, that is actually amazingly good. Although it would be hard for the sex to be bad with a two-year dry spell preceding it.  But we connect really well on that level and I’m actually having one of the most intense sexual relationships of my life with him. 

Political leanings? We do have a little bit of that James Carville/Mary Maitlin thing going on (although opposite party affiliations). But that’s generally a source of honest debate and friendly kidding around, not serious conflict.  Again, not a dealbreaker – even in an election year.

Kids?  Nope.  He has a daughter of his own, is a good and dedicated dad by all appearances, and understands the challenges of parenthood.  The kids are outside of our relationship right now…but that’s the way it should be when you’re divorced and getting to know each other.  I wouldn’t introduce my kids to anyone until I was sure it was a serious, long-term situation.

So all sounds like it’s going pretty well, right?  Well…not really.  It’s the ‘getting to know each other’ part that’s dying a slow and painful death.  When something important comes up, such as a recent conversation about his ex, it’s a complete shut down.  I know little about what makes him tick.  And it’s driving me crazy.

I think it’s his maddening tendency to be totally laid back about everything, including his feelings towards me. He’s the quintessential “whatever you want to do” guy.  Communication is not his strong suit, and he admits that.  Maybe I want to go from zero to 60 too quickly, and I need to give it more time.  But the thing is, that after spending the past two or three years being ignored by the previous man in my life (ex), I really just want someone who, frankly, adores me and isn’t afraid to let me know it.  Too much to ask?

Our somewhat unspoken understanding is that we’re dating exclusively, which in retrospect, may have been a mistake.  Because even if he’s not seeing anyone else, he certainly isn’t opening up his heart and his mind to me.  I’m not sure if he’s capable of opening it up to anyone.  And at 40,  I’m not in this purely for casual fun.

The trouble is, in the classic tradition of emotionally dysfunctional women everywhere, the less he verbalizes his interest in me, the more I am smitten with him.  And with every day (and night) I spend with him, the more emotionally invested I become in this working out.

Rule #5 – Three Things Never to Say to a Woman

There are things that just should not come out of a guy’s mouth in a dating situation.  Or via text, IM, or any other communication medium.

1) Don’t Overthink Things. This is typically said in reaction to a woman asking any sort of non-superficial question of a man. Excuse me, but thinking is a good thing. Just because thought and communication are not your forte, don’t make me feel like a clingy idiot for attempting to understand you better.

2) Relax. Unless you’re about to give me a massage, do not tell me to relax.  It’s condescending as hell. And will set me off, guaranteed.

3) Chill. See #2.

Should I Buy the Magnums?

Ironic product placement

I have just purchased my first box of condoms ever in anticipation of having a really really stellar date.  And I never anticipated having such a freakin’ hard time figuring out what kind to buy.  They have vibrating condoms, ‘ribbed for her pleasure’ condoms, latex-free, flavored, and super-sized.  And that was just the limited Stop ‘n Shop selection.   I’ve spent 12 years (give or take with two pregnancies in there) on the withdrawal plan, so this was a whole new world for me. 

But while I would have been mortified to make this purchase twenty years ago, it is no more embarrassing then buying tampons now.  I’ve given birth twice and breastfed two kids.  Buying condoms at this point is like picking up a quart of milk….one of the benefits of, ahem, middle age.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Flickr

This just in….ex-husband is dating a 26-year-old Ukrainian attorney who sent him flowers BEFORE their first date.  Despite all the pain and heartache of what we’ve been through the past few years, we actually have a pretty good post-divorce friendship.  So when I started dating again, I let him know that I was doing so (mostly so that he’d keep to the pre-determined childcare schedule).  Which is why he felt comfortable coming to me in a panic to ask how he should react to Ukrainian woman insisting on paying for their first date.  After inquiring about her immigration status (come on…he’s a nice guy and a good dad, but he’s broke, somewhat unmotivated, and 15 years older), I told him I was probably the wrong person to ask.

I wasn’t particularly jealous or even weirded out by the thought of his new romance. But what did piss me off a bit? The flowers. WTF? I haven’t gotten a freakin’ greeting card yet, much less a bouquet.  Come to think of it, I haven’t even gotten an ecard from my latest romance.  It’s not the money – it’s the thought.  And I am apparently low on the thought list.